What is Home?
I have been contemplating “home” a lot these days. I have been without a physical home for nearly two years. The word homeless has such scary negative connotations to me that when someone announced that I was homeless I broke down and cried. Many paradigms and belief systems flashed across my mind. How could they be so cruel? What the fuck am I doing? It is unsafe to be homeless! It is shameful to be homeless! Who am I without a home?
I felt pitiful, lost and crazy for leaving my sanctuary in Pa. And then I began to have a conversation with myself...well if I never left PA I would never have had the adventure I had. I would never have traveled across the US several times experiencing that which people wait their entire lives to experience; the Grand Canyon, Zion National Park, Brice, Antelope Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, Big Sur, the Giant Redwoods, Sedona Red Rocks, Laguna Beach, Carlsbad Caverns and the list goes on and on. And the people!! The Family I would never have met if I didn’t embark on this journey, sisters and brothers that are branches of my soul family whom I’ve shared so much love with. Sacred sites and ceremony where I came to know myself and my power, sitting in sacred circle with bright shining souls and feeling the cosmic connection of our hearts, raising each other up as we sang songs to the Divine and remembered the truth of our existence as beings of light and love. Acquiring and offering wisdom, using my gifts to heal and empower those whom I’ve met along the way, witnessing their shift as I ventured on to my next destination.
Looking over to my partner and knowing she is always with me wherever this journey takes me, feeling that love sustain me, protect me, uplift me and comfort me. It is this precious journey that encouraged us to grow, together and as individuals. The discomfort of leaving the familiar faces and places, overcoming fear and releasing attachments, attachments to houses, paradigms, possessions, steady income. Trusting the flow of the universe to carry us, strengthened our bond with each other and our faith that we are really always provided for and that when we surrender, magic happens! Releasing our hold on the old paradigms of what home and daily life look like, we were gifted with extraordinary experiences and opportunities that within the old paradigm were only fantasy, dreams held in a wish box to be sought after some distant day in the future.
In this space, this pause of no physical abode, we moved through triggers sparked by the other, allowing them to shed light onto that which still called out for healing and transmuted the energy and the behavior patterns. It is this journey that shifted us into a fuller expression of our own personal power, coming to know and claim who we are and our mission in this world. As we move through these lessons our teaching broadens. That which we learned by witnessing the transformation of our wounds, sabotaging behavior patterns, insecurities, past traumas, outworn belief systems, opened up new realms that allow us to assist and guide others on their healing journey more deeply.
We have been graced with beautiful places to live, some for one week, some for several months. Gorgeous houses, some over looking the shoreline of California, others looking out to the Red Rock Mountains and still others in the heart of the Oregon forest. As our journey continued, these places became “home.” Even though we knew that our stay was only temporary, we were able to settle down, unpack and relax. We had use of a kitchen to cook our meals, appliances to wash our clothes and hot showers to wash off the evidence of living in tents and the back of the van.
I began to noticed how I felt. These were some of the qualities of “home” for me. Hmmm, interesting. I continued to notice, somehow “home” was shifting yet it still retained some aspects that were important to me.
Although the adventure of being on the road and camping out was intriguing, it lost its glamor as time went on. Yes, being immersed in the Redwood forests and sleeping among these ancient giants was a blessed experience indeed. Opening the door to the camper and looking out to the Grand Canyon or Zion’s Watchman Mountain is awe inspiring while falling asleep beneath the moon and the stars, listening to crickets sing us to sleep, was magical. It was fun cooking on our little propane stove and playing our drums around the campfire.
These all hold their beauty and magic. Yes. And...they all come with challenges when this becomes your way of living. Often campgrounds would be full and it was unlawful to sleep outside of them. Some days the rain was so heavy that setting up a tent was out of the question and all we could do is crawl into the back of our van and go to sleep (that was after after rearranging all our totes and bags to the front of the vehicle and getting soaking wet in the process). After finally settling into our space and making it “home” for the night, the “check out” time would come quickly the next morning, we’d have to breakdown our tent and pack the van and be on our way to find the next “home.”
All our belongings were stored into large totes. As organized as we were, it was difficult to sift through the totes and find clothing to wear for the day. Often I’d wear the same clothes several days in a row just out of frustration and fatigue. I am one that expresses myself with what I wear. I felt disconnected to that aspect of myself wearing dirty, old clothing each day, yet it seemed easier than getting agitated trying to put together an outfit from the depths and darkness of the deep totes.
Those nightly campfire are magical with the stars and moon shining down upon us while we sang and played our instruments, yet these times came with their challenges also. Sometimes neighboring campers didn’t appreciate our sonic vibrations and would report us to the camp host (even though it was well within the noise ordinance time frame). And on the flip side, sometimes there would be very loud campers neighboring us. Many state and national parks forbid the foraging of firewood, so if you want a fire you are subjected to paying exorbitant prices for mere firewood which goes against all my principles of living a free life.
There many days that we awoke to the busyness of the parking lot of Walmart or Cracker Barrel. And for me, being a very sensitive empath, it was challenging to stay in places that the energy adversely affected me. There were many times I became overwhelmed with very low energy of depression, anxiety, feelings of doom and gloom, that were not mine; no story was attached to the feeling. This perhaps was the most challenging for me as I live in a very high vibrational state and do my work to maintain that. These feelings of doom and gloom are extremely intolerable for me.
Living in the camper was a bit easier than living on the road in the van. I could create a sense of home there. We had a kitchen, bathroom, seating area and bed. Home was a bit easier to manifest with these simple aspects. Once the camper was sold, I quickly learned that living in the van and tent was void of these things. I became even more grateful to have them for however temporary it may be.
It wasn’t until we spent a whole week at the Spirit Weavers Gathering, camping out in our tent, that I craved home more than ever. The gathering itself was a true blessing, a gathering of 700 sisters of all races, ages and beliefs. We ate together, gathered for ceremony together, swam and sunbathed naked on the rocks of the Illinois River together. It was truly one of those sacred connections with soul family I spoke about earlier. A gorgeous painting of feminine energy invoking the spirit of the Goddess in all her aspects and gifts.
And...my hips were in pain from sleeping on uneven ground which resulted in poor sleep. Luckily I could step out of the tent naked at this gathering and get dressed outside (being 5’10” and trying to dress within a tent with all our instruments and bedding is very uncomfortable, indeed!).
All of this was a gift and I am ever grateful for all of it. And it revealed to me that I craved “home” more than ever. It also gave me a clue to what “home” is.
Home, it seems is a place that I can come to after my travels and relax into the comfort my body and mind have come to know throughout my life. It is a place where I can find shelter from the elements. It is a sanctuary, offering me safety from the outside world, a portal into my own realm where I can shut out the distractions of the outer world and let go, being me to the fullest expression. It is a place where I can create an altar to honor my Goddess and Great Spirit and connect in with them as my higher self. It is a place where I safely store my belongings in an organized way, able to access them with ease. A place where my body can lay upon a bed that supports it in a healthy way, where I can truly rest into deep sleep. It is a place where I can invite in friends and family and celebrate life together. It is a place where I can cook meals and sit at a table and share them with the ones my heart loves to be with. It is a place where I can be me, do what ever I want, in whatever way I want to do it and not have to answer to anyone else (expect my partner.) It is a place I can fill with love, with prayer, with music, with my own unique expression. It is an extension of me, a physical residence which holds my essence and after I give my energy out to the world I can come to to replenish and recharge.
My journey away from home has help me know and deeply appreciate home. I have settled with my partner in a home in Sedona for the time being. The first thing I did was create within it a sacred space and unpacked my belongings so I can easily access them. I love waking up every morning and making breakfast, sitting out in the backyard with my coffee and easing into the day, going into my closet and putting together an outfit that expresses me and what I want to show the world that day, cooking a meal with my partner and sitting down at our table to relish in its blessings, gathering with our soul family and creating sacred ceremony and settling into the music corner in the evening and playing music with my love.
This is our home for now. Will we remain here? Well home also needs to provide certain life sustaining aspects as well. Will we have enough work here to sustain our financial needs? Is there clean water and air? Do we have a spiritual community? Are we recognized as the teachers, healers and artists we are? Ultimately, do we thrive here? So far we have been blessed with some beautiful sacred connections and work. It is a place of beauty, magic and Spirit connection. For now, this feels like home. My body relaxes and releases. I can rest, pray, paint, sing and write. I am grateful for this home. I am grateful for a home. It is, in my opinion, a vital necessity.